Happiness

"If you can't be happy with what you have, then you will never be happy with what you want."

I swear I've recently heard this quote somewhere, but according to Google it doesn't exist.  The closest thing I could find is, "If you're not happy here, you won't be happy there." Which means virtually the same thing, but if that's the case, I claim the one above.

Regardless, I've been reflecting on it a lot lately.

Am I happy?

I've got my health.
I make money enough to survive.
I have a house.
I have money enough to occasionally renovate the house.
I have skill enough to do a lot of the renovations on my own.
I have money enough to go out from time to time.
I can travel from time to time as well.
I am talented.
I can sing.
I can dance, if choreographed.
I am quite an artist.
I'm not skinny, but I am currently 50 lbs less than my heaviest.
I have some great friends, though I do wish we could go out more often.
I've got a job.
Not only do I have a job, I love my job.
I am making a difference in the world.
I am changing the future of the world one child at a time.
I have finally come into my own.

I want to focus on that last one for a minute. I know who I am.  I am a good person.  I do good deeds.  I hold doors for people.  I slow down to let people into traffic.  I try to be charitable when it allows.  I live the majority of my life for others, and in turn, the smiles on their faces at the end of the days, and the changes I see put forth into the world make it so I am living my life for me.  My teaching.  My Art. My theater. Making others happy makes me happy.

Another part of coming into my own has been my, shall we say spiritual growth.  I was born and raised a religious person.  It was a large part of my parents' life and remains a large part of my mother's life.  It was a large part of my childhood and adolescence.  As I grew into adulthood, initially I pushed away from it because it had always been pushed onto me growing up, but the further I pushed, the more I realized this was the path for me.  I don't feel like I need religion.  I need morals; I need to be a good person; but I do not need religion.  I am now agnostic.  For many reasons, I don't think I could ever be atheist.  I am a person that likes to know; that likes proof; and something like religion that is so based on faith, it just doesn't work for me.  Could there be a God?  Sure.  Why not?  In fact, we'd be naive to think that there are not greater powers working among us.Could there not be a God? Sure. It could be that the science that governs the world has always been what governed the world.

Whichever the case, I still choose to be a good person.  I honor my mother.  I love her to death. I'm not a murderous person. Heck, I have a hard time killing spiders in my house. I would never commit adultery.  Just as I wouldn't share my significant other, I would never expect her to share me.  I don't take property that isn't mine.  I do my best to be honest.  As for "coveting" my neighbor's wife, that goes back to the adultery. I don't like to share, why should I expect anyone else?  In fact, when finding interest in a girl, that's one of the first things I look for, and if she's currently unavailable, then I immediately stop pursuit.  With all that being said, living my life based upon my morals alone, I cover all of the non-God related commandments.  I honestly think that when I die, if there is a God, he will look at the life I've lived and be willing to look past the fact that I had a hard time believing.

I am me.  I am who I am. I am agnostic.  I am overweight and working on it. I do wear glasses.  I do get silly at times.  I do drink from time to time, but not beyond the point of control, and never do I drive.  I don't smoke.  I have never done drugs and will never even consider it.  I am a nerd.  I am a gamer.  I am a theater geek.  I do love to act. I can sing. I can dance.  I can program a computer and web sites.  I can wire a stereo system into a car.  I'm great with computers and really, electronics in general. I know my way around the engine of a car and could do most minor fix-its. I can refinish a room.  I have reroofed a house.  I can troubleshoot almost any problem and find some kind of solution to it whether proper or "ghetto".  I think I have a ton going for me.

So my original question... am I happy?

I don't think I can give a straight yes to it.  As any other human being, the need to be loved and accepted is strong within me.  I spent four years of my life in love with a woman, and somehow I let that slip away.  Do I regret those years? No.  Do I regret that it's over? At this point in my life, no.  It was definitely for the best.  However, it did leave a hole inside me.  A hole that friends cannot fill.  A hole that money cannot fill.  A hole that I can't get a tool from the shed to fix.

So how do I fix it?  I am happy with everything I have. I just want to be happy with the one thing I want as well:

"I try to keep me focused

On the goings of the week,

But distractions in my mind

Are focused on what I seek:

A companionship, a friend,

Somebody to hold,

The reciprocated sharing of

A love more pure than gold."

This one really could be quoted to me from a poem I wrote back in '04.  It's funny how life cycles.

As it sits, I must allow my happiness to brew, until I can find that one girl who gets the initial "Wowza" attraction, is not married (which seems to be the hard part here in Utah, but I love it here so I really don't want to leave) and is willing to accept the rest of my happy me for me.  Until then, I will look beyond the imperfections in my life, follow the advice commonly given me, and "Make it a great day!"