The Dog Days of Winter

You see that face? That face equals me as I work my way through these dog days of winter. It seems to be I've hit a slum.  The things just pile up and up.  Every time it seems I cross something off of the list, three more things get added to it.  Every time I think there's light at the end of the tunnel, it's really just a light painted onto the brick wall I just ran into.  Each year seems to be a roller coaster and the bottom of the lowest valley is this time of year, but this year seems so much worse than the others.  In fact, it is a roller coaster... it's this roller coaster:

And rather than there being a track to spin me around under, I'm just falling.  Lost in all the little things.  The little things at work.  The little things at home. The little things outside my home.  My tech crew.  My play.  My class.  My low kids.  My gifted kids.  The middle kids.  All the kids in my rotations.  Our field trip.  The science fair.  Report cards.  Grading papers.  Teaching. Planning. Cleaning the classroom.  Making new seating arrangements.  Discipline. Positive reinforcement. My sanity.  The little things seems to be making all the difference as they add up and bring me down.

I have definitely hit a slum.

I was observed in my classroom today. Before the days end, I got an e-mail from my principal telling what she observed while she was there.  This is what I saw in her e-mail:

"Is **** okay.... he's lying down
5 Students lying down...
4 students lying down...
I see the 'I'
We're missing the 'we'
Students should be working through it with you
Students are yawing...they seem tired
**** is not participating.
Students are slouching."

Negative.  Negative. Negative.  I'm in a slum as it is and everything appears to be negative.  Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe it's getting the best of me.  Maybe I'm not cut out.  Many thoughts run through my head.

The day finally gets to an end.  I take care of my after school things and before I leave for the day I walk down to the principal's office.  She has me step in and says, "Hey Aaron! What can I do for you?"  I look her in the eye and do something I never do....

If things aren't going my way, I make them.  If things are going wrong, I figure it out. If something is broken, I fix it.  It's always been my thing that no matter what is going wrong, I can problem solve my way through it.  I don't need help.  I can figure it out.  I'm strong.  Asking for help is a weakness, and I can't appear weak, because once you're the weakest link, well, goodbye!

So I looked my principal in the eyes and I said to her, "I'm in a slum right now.  I need you to tell me I'm doing a good job..."

Before I tell you her response, I want to bring you back to the observation form that was e-mailed to me.  What I wrote earlier was what I saw...it was the only parts my mind was letting me see.

"I see you doing some 'I'
Now I'm seeing 'we'
You are smiling and laughing.
You are saying 'Can I see it?'
You are checking and monitoring student work...yea!
Choral responses - 16
Looks like student has written 'think abouts' for two step equations - way cool
Get the answer in your head - call and response
'Say it one more time' - polishing choral response - great!
Thanks for letting me visit your class today!"

My principal's response was overwhelming praise.  She looked at me and said, "Of course you are, Aaron. You are a point in your teaching where you are doing great, and I'm just trying to give you that push to make you that much better!"

Just as much as it's the little things can bring you down, the little things can bring you up.  It's the little things that make all the difference. If you look for the negative, you're going to find it.  You're going to hit that slum, trudge through the mud and get stuck in it.  You have to look for the positive.  Make the best of the down days. Focus on the positive things in life and you're sure to pounce through the dogs days of winter with a smile on your face!

Happiness

"If you can't be happy with what you have, then you will never be happy with what you want."

I swear I've recently heard this quote somewhere, but according to Google it doesn't exist.  The closest thing I could find is, "If you're not happy here, you won't be happy there." Which means virtually the same thing, but if that's the case, I claim the one above.

Regardless, I've been reflecting on it a lot lately.

Am I happy?

I've got my health.
I make money enough to survive.
I have a house.
I have money enough to occasionally renovate the house.
I have skill enough to do a lot of the renovations on my own.
I have money enough to go out from time to time.
I can travel from time to time as well.
I am talented.
I can sing.
I can dance, if choreographed.
I am quite an artist.
I'm not skinny, but I am currently 50 lbs less than my heaviest.
I have some great friends, though I do wish we could go out more often.
I've got a job.
Not only do I have a job, I love my job.
I am making a difference in the world.
I am changing the future of the world one child at a time.
I have finally come into my own.

I want to focus on that last one for a minute. I know who I am.  I am a good person.  I do good deeds.  I hold doors for people.  I slow down to let people into traffic.  I try to be charitable when it allows.  I live the majority of my life for others, and in turn, the smiles on their faces at the end of the days, and the changes I see put forth into the world make it so I am living my life for me.  My teaching.  My Art. My theater. Making others happy makes me happy.

Another part of coming into my own has been my, shall we say spiritual growth.  I was born and raised a religious person.  It was a large part of my parents' life and remains a large part of my mother's life.  It was a large part of my childhood and adolescence.  As I grew into adulthood, initially I pushed away from it because it had always been pushed onto me growing up, but the further I pushed, the more I realized this was the path for me.  I don't feel like I need religion.  I need morals; I need to be a good person; but I do not need religion.  I am now agnostic.  For many reasons, I don't think I could ever be atheist.  I am a person that likes to know; that likes proof; and something like religion that is so based on faith, it just doesn't work for me.  Could there be a God?  Sure.  Why not?  In fact, we'd be naive to think that there are not greater powers working among us.Could there not be a God? Sure. It could be that the science that governs the world has always been what governed the world.

Whichever the case, I still choose to be a good person.  I honor my mother.  I love her to death. I'm not a murderous person. Heck, I have a hard time killing spiders in my house. I would never commit adultery.  Just as I wouldn't share my significant other, I would never expect her to share me.  I don't take property that isn't mine.  I do my best to be honest.  As for "coveting" my neighbor's wife, that goes back to the adultery. I don't like to share, why should I expect anyone else?  In fact, when finding interest in a girl, that's one of the first things I look for, and if she's currently unavailable, then I immediately stop pursuit.  With all that being said, living my life based upon my morals alone, I cover all of the non-God related commandments.  I honestly think that when I die, if there is a God, he will look at the life I've lived and be willing to look past the fact that I had a hard time believing.

I am me.  I am who I am. I am agnostic.  I am overweight and working on it. I do wear glasses.  I do get silly at times.  I do drink from time to time, but not beyond the point of control, and never do I drive.  I don't smoke.  I have never done drugs and will never even consider it.  I am a nerd.  I am a gamer.  I am a theater geek.  I do love to act. I can sing. I can dance.  I can program a computer and web sites.  I can wire a stereo system into a car.  I'm great with computers and really, electronics in general. I know my way around the engine of a car and could do most minor fix-its. I can refinish a room.  I have reroofed a house.  I can troubleshoot almost any problem and find some kind of solution to it whether proper or "ghetto".  I think I have a ton going for me.

So my original question... am I happy?

I don't think I can give a straight yes to it.  As any other human being, the need to be loved and accepted is strong within me.  I spent four years of my life in love with a woman, and somehow I let that slip away.  Do I regret those years? No.  Do I regret that it's over? At this point in my life, no.  It was definitely for the best.  However, it did leave a hole inside me.  A hole that friends cannot fill.  A hole that money cannot fill.  A hole that I can't get a tool from the shed to fix.

So how do I fix it?  I am happy with everything I have. I just want to be happy with the one thing I want as well:

"I try to keep me focused

On the goings of the week,

But distractions in my mind

Are focused on what I seek:

A companionship, a friend,

Somebody to hold,

The reciprocated sharing of

A love more pure than gold."

This one really could be quoted to me from a poem I wrote back in '04.  It's funny how life cycles.

As it sits, I must allow my happiness to brew, until I can find that one girl who gets the initial "Wowza" attraction, is not married (which seems to be the hard part here in Utah, but I love it here so I really don't want to leave) and is willing to accept the rest of my happy me for me.  Until then, I will look beyond the imperfections in my life, follow the advice commonly given me, and "Make it a great day!"

See you later, 2012!

"Out with the old, in with the new!"  That's how the old saying goes, right?  I would love to say that 2012 was a fantastic year, but it wasn't.  I would love to say that no wrong came to me, but it did.  I would love to say that I'm going to miss 2012, but I'm not.  However, I cannot say that 2012 was all bad, because mostly, it wasn't.  In fact, I don't even think I can say it was a roller coaster.  If I were to present a basic chart to some business owners, they'd approve, because it would look something like this, with the year ending on a high.

Definitely not a roller coaster.  If anything, more like a swing.  The important part, however, was that it ended on a high note.  So what happened in 2012? Probably the biggest (happy) event of the year was getting my passport stamped for the first time.  This was the picture I drew of the Kinderdijk while in Holland.

A huge thanks to the overseas friends that put us up, and gave us the tour of the country, or at least as much of it as we could fit into a week.  It's still crazy for me to think that you could fit five of the entire country into one of our measly states of Utah.

To continue down the happy trail, I worked in the Lawn and Garden of the Walmart of the summer earning me a good sum of extra cash.  I've revamped a couple of the bedrooms in the house, and I've completely redone the living room.  I've taken a few vacations, one to D.C. to finally "meet" my little nephew, and then to Vegas for my first Cirque, which might I add was a pretty incredible experience.  I also got bored one day and bought a car!  As super impulsive as that sounds, it was actually in the works, just a little sooner than planned.  However, it was much needed considering the list of what is wrong with my Jeep continues to grow.  I do, however, still have the horse, so if I ever need its muscle, it's there.

Christmas Carol was definitely the highest high the year ended on.  I grew up in the theater.  There were years that I would do more than 10 shows throughout it.  I love getting on the stage.  So what happened? Life happened.  School got heavier, especially while still working full time.  Once I graduated, I was working three jobs while subbing in both Davis and Weber counties and working my first stint with Walmart.  I got married and was living life for more than just me, and I got my first teaching job which really consumed my time. (Not all last year) Without dwelling on the negative, let's just say that in my fourth year teaching, I have it under control enough that (other circumstances supporting) I was able to get back to me.  I got back to stage playing Fred, Scrooge's nephew in a Christmas Carol.  Honestly, one of the largest parts I think I've played yet.  I had my own cute little fake family, and loved them to death.  I'm definitely going to miss them. There's always next year, although, by that time, I think my Penelope will be too old for the part and we'll have to start a new.  Oh well, grow the family, right?

Looking back at the chart, you notice that a swing reaches it's low point, right? My divorce.  Not what I wanted, but when you're dealt the cards you're dealt, you do what you can with them, hope not to lose all your chips, and play out the next hand hoping for better.  That's about all I'm going to say about it.

So, 2013!  Here we are! Got some good roommates, got a new car, and I'm slowly renovating the house.  I have a great job. I have great friends.  I have great family, both blood and beyond.

Bring it on new year, I'm ready for you!

Resolutions:
* During 2012, I had the usual weight loss goal.  Not any specific numbers, but to undo the growing trend I was on.  At one point I was down almost 40 pounds. I wasn't lucky enough to keep it, however, I'm ending the year about 25 lbs. less than last.  Back story done, my goal is to do that again.  I would like to be 240 lbs by the end of 2013.

* Not allow myself to go another year without being on the stage, which has already been worked for me as I was asked to help them out with My fair Lady.  However, if nothing else, I think Scrooge is going to be a yearly tradition for me.

* In general, have a positive year. I realize, most years are the dreaded roller coaster, but if you focus on the peaks, the troughs don't seem so low.  So here I am starting this blog.  I am going to write here.  You're obviously going to hear some negative, some "bitching" as they might say, but my goal is to focus on the positive.  If you read it, and I'm being a Debby Downer, tell me to fix it, and I'll at least try.

Here's to the New Year!  Cheers!

"You're success and happiness lies in you.  Resolve to keep happy and your joy and you will form an invincible host again difficulties." ~Helen Keller