The Spectacle of Me

From the very day that Angela was born as Aaron, it seems like I can never do things the traditional way.  I couldn't just wear my glasses to school, I had to lose them weekly.  I couldn't just ride my bike around the neighborhood, I'd have to scrape myself up every time.  I couldn't be handed an opinion, I had to formulate mine on my own. I couldn't just play the sports my dad wanted, I had to find my own.  I couldn't just be a wrestler, I had to be a state placer. I couldn't just be an actor, I had to be leads. I couldn't just finish high school, I had to graduate college  I could keep going but I think you get the picture.  Everything I do, I have to do it well.  I have to make a show of it.

This unfortunately goes both ways.  I couldn't just get in a fender bender.  I had to total the car.  I couldn't just ride to work on my bike in the dark without a headlight, I had to run into a garbage can and flip over the handles on the way.  Negatively, my spectacular  life affected me hardcore this last week. I couldn't just get gallstones, they had to come accompanied with pancreatitis.

Saturday afternoon I got a text from a friend asking if I wanted to go out to eat with them at Rodizio Grill that night.  I had never been, but had heard amazing things, so I said sure.  Oh my!  You start with an all-you-can-eat salad buffet with a variety of salads so large I had never heard of many of them.  From there, servers come around with various types of Brazilian meats, giving you as many cuts from as many different varieties as you want.  Problem:  When I pay for a buffet, I feel like I should eat my moneys worth.

By the end of the meal, my stomach was in pain.  Of course, I just assumed I had eaten too much, but regardless, as we made our way back to the car, I stopped at the bathroom and threw up almost everything I had just eaten.  In front of the restaurant, I tossed my keys to my friends and had them go get the car.  I could barely walk, there was no way I was driving.  They stopped on the way to get another vehicle, and then dropped me and my car off at home.  Just in time as well, because I barely made it inside before I was hunched over the porcelain again.  Once cleaned up, I crashed into my bed.  I couldn't get comfortable because the pain would not subside.  I moved to the couch.  Nothing.  I tried taking a hot bath to loosen things up.  Honestly, as long as I soaked, and the water stayed hot, it helped, but eventually, hot water runs out.  No luck in my bed again, nor the couch, nor the bed.

Finally, at 2 a.m., I decided I needed to get checked out.  Six hours was way too long for an overeating pain, especially considering it had only gotten worse with time, so I did what any grown man would do in this situation... I called my mommy....

We started with an Urgent Care because I was thinking they were 24 hours.  When that failed, she asked me what I wanted to do.  There was no choice.  It was to the Emergency Room.

"On a scale of 1-10, what's your pain at?  A ten, oh, I see.  Fill out this paperwork and we'll get you admitted."

Seriously?  Paperwork.  I can hardly see straight and you want to write, legibly.  Okay....

Now for some tests.  Blood pressure.  Temperature. Pulse.

 "Let me poke you  Does it hurt if I do this?"  I don't think I gave an a distinguishable response, but my wail of agony answered all I needed to say.

It seemed like ages before they finally gave me something to take the edge off.  Drugs are a funny thing.  I know morphine makes some people sick.  I know some people who hallucinate from it.  I know others that it doesn't seem to affect at all.  My reaction to it was unexpected.  Remember, on a scale of 1-10, my pain was already at a 15.  For about 3 seconds the morphine doubled that before it took affect.  The pain certainly wasn't gone, but it was at least below 10 at this point.

The next step they tell me is to see if I was pregnant.  Okay, not really, but I did go in for an ultrasound.  From this, they could tell me that I was going to have to be admitted into the hospital with gallstones.  The kicker was to follow though, when they described why my pain had been so much more than the average stones.  Apparently, one of the stones had made it's way out of the gallbladder and into the pancreas, inflaming my pancreas, and giving me the double whopper of gallstones and pancreatitis.

Though the gallstones were the underlying cause, the pancreatitis actually became the bigger issue.  I had to spend four days with no food or water apart from my IV drip, waiting for the infection in the pancreas to go down so we could perform the surgery.  Five days in, I finally had the surgery, and because a couple of my counts remained high, it was still another three days before I was finally released from the hospital.

This was the first time I had been admitted into the hospital since I was born, if that even counts.  Prior to this I had never even had stitches.  Regardless, here we are, minus a gall bladder, still working a bit on recovery, and figuring out what life means without a gallbladder.  Apparently I just have to be a little more careful about  what I eat, which I've been trying to do, so now I just have a real motivation.

There is one real big happy that I pulled away from all of this.  Listen to the song.  Focus on the lyrics, and then continue reading.

In my mid-twenties, I had a certain mental struggle going on.  I had been in college more than four years and still had no degree.  My life seemed to have no direction.  Less than a year after the release of this song, my dad died, and it really made me start to question what I was doing.  If I were to die tomorrow, will I have made any kind of difference on this world?  How many people will care that I'm gone?  Would I really be missed?  This song took a strong hold of me. 
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear: What am I leaving, when I'm done here? So if you're asking me, I want you to know When my time comes, forget the wrongs that I've done, Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.
For the sake of arguments, we'll call gallstones mixed with an attack of the pancreas a brush with death, even though really, it probably just felt that way.  This brush with death has filled my heart.  I cannot believe the outpouring of support that came to me in that hospital bed.  From the minute I called in to school to tell then I was going to have to miss the last week, immediately, without a drip of hesitation, the response was to not worry about a thing.  My classroom was a disaster, I had nothing really "planned" for the week, and still, I was told don't even think about it.  
I had countless visitors, some of which are to be expected but a lot weren't.  I received phone calls, and e-mails, flowers, and cards, and letters.  There was so much love and so many well wishes pouring into that room, that there was no doubt that in the past five years of my life, I have changed things around.  I have a huge conglomerate of people who care.  I had students in tears they were so worried.  (Not that I'm happy they were crying, but that I've made that big of an impact.) The first time I see people after release, they rush to hug me they're so happy to see that I'm out. It's just...overwhelming.  I am leaving my footprint on this world.  People do care.  I will be missed.  That fear never again has to sink into my brain.

Not that I plan on leaving this world anytime soon, but this is still a comforting feeling.
With that being said, I just want to wrap it up by saying thank you.  Thank you to my mom, thank you my brother and his family, to my grandma, to my friends.... the list could on and on, so just thank you everyone!  I really do appreciate all the warmth and love, support, and well wishes that were sent my way during this trial.  It means more to me than I ever would have known!

They Called Me Pork Chop

It seems that everyone in life has something they have to grandstand for.  Some people choose political avenues, other choose to do it more privately with just their families. Some people choose guns.  Some people choose equal rights.  Some people just choose simple things like the Golden Rule.  I choose bullying. My grandstand is against bullying.  Being a teacher is the perfect avenue for me to fight this battle in hopes that one day, it's eliminated.  I realize this is an uphill fight.  I still choose to fight it.  I realize I won't win.  I will do my best.  I will affect those I teach.  So long as I make it so even one less kid gets bullied, one less kid has to feel the pain I grew up with, then my grandstand can be deemed a success.

They didn't call me Pork Chop. They called me Fat Pratt.  Everyone grows up with a nickname.  For some people, it comes from their real name. A Samantha might go by Sami. A Robert might go by Rob.  There's any number. I grew up with a kid who went by Budda. We call one of my best friends Huggies. The unfortunate side of this is that not all nicknames are so positive.  And what's worse, is we get bombarded by that ridiculous saying:

As if sticks and stones hurt any less than walking home friendless, or not having someone to play with at recess. I grew up hating that statement, "Words will never hurt you." Yes!  They will.  Stick and stones break bones which heal within a few weeks.  The brokenness you feel after being called names time and time again takes years, and that's IF it heals. And what's worse, is that it doesn't stop with the name calling.  The name calling is just the sticks, what follows is really the stones:

There's pushing into lockers.  There's tripping.  There's mocking.  Any form of making fun happens!  It happens more often than we care to admit.  And even if someone gets involved and puts a stop to what's seen, kids are creative.  They find ways to get around it.  They find unseen ways to continue the torture.  They prey on what they see as the weaker students, and the longer they prey, the weaker they get, until they grow up to be adults.  Sometimes the wounds heal, other times they don't.  I was probably in my early 20's before I allowed the emotional baggage to escape me; before I realized that the kids back in school really didn't matter.  It's not easy. Even when you have people looking at you telling you how beautiful and amazing you are, it's never easy.  And what's worse? "We're not the only kids who grew up this way."

Day after wretched day we watch other kids in the hallway going through the same bullying.  Name calling, pushing, talking behind backs.  The sad part is that too often these events are watched by a bystander and nothing gets done about it. We're not sure we're strong enough to help.  We don't want to get in the middle of it.  We don't want to be the next target of the bullying. "If a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear, do they make a sound?"

Yes! They do! And we as the bystanders need to choose to hear that sound! Listen to them! Stand up for them!  Stand up to those bullying and tell them we've had enough!  One of the most power things I've seen in a long time is so subtle.  Say the word "beauty" out loud and really listen to how you say it.  You cannot say the word "beauty" without saying the word "you".

You need to tell yourself that.  Over and over again, you need to tell yourself you are beautiful.  And if you are having problems saying that and believing it, than by golly you need to:

Because each and every one of us is beautiful in our own right.  We are who we are.  We are unique.  We are individuals.  We are different, and it is those differences that turn us from the lousy caterpillar into the beautiful butterfly.

Growing up can be tough.  It's hard enough on it's own, developing bodies, developing minds, family life, money, work, health, relationships.  Life has enough troubles on it's own without us creating so, so many more for each other.  I beg you all, please.  I'm down on my hands and knees, please, please, PLEASE... let's put a stop to the bullying.  Let's start caring for one another, and boosting each others spirits.  Rather than putting each other down, let's bring ourselves to new heights!  Let's soar to places we never knew we could, and let's do it more easily than we ever thought possible because we are doing it together!

As I previously said, I realize my grandstanding is not going to bring an end to it all, so the most important thing I need you to do is not listen to them when they come around.  I don't care what they say; if it's about your looks, if it's about your size, if it's about your skills and talents, if it's for no reason at all, I don't care.  They are wrong.  They will always be wrong.  But for them to truly be wrong, you have to believe it.  You have to believe in yourself.  You have to believe

(I have to thank Shane Koyczan and everyone who helped him create the original video, "To This Day".  Without that platform, this blog would not have been possible.  If you have not seen the original video, please watch below.  It will be the most powerful way you can spend the next seven minutes of your life.)

The Dog Days of Winter

You see that face? That face equals me as I work my way through these dog days of winter. It seems to be I've hit a slum.  The things just pile up and up.  Every time it seems I cross something off of the list, three more things get added to it.  Every time I think there's light at the end of the tunnel, it's really just a light painted onto the brick wall I just ran into.  Each year seems to be a roller coaster and the bottom of the lowest valley is this time of year, but this year seems so much worse than the others.  In fact, it is a roller coaster... it's this roller coaster:

And rather than there being a track to spin me around under, I'm just falling.  Lost in all the little things.  The little things at work.  The little things at home. The little things outside my home.  My tech crew.  My play.  My class.  My low kids.  My gifted kids.  The middle kids.  All the kids in my rotations.  Our field trip.  The science fair.  Report cards.  Grading papers.  Teaching. Planning. Cleaning the classroom.  Making new seating arrangements.  Discipline. Positive reinforcement. My sanity.  The little things seems to be making all the difference as they add up and bring me down.

I have definitely hit a slum.

I was observed in my classroom today. Before the days end, I got an e-mail from my principal telling what she observed while she was there.  This is what I saw in her e-mail:

"Is **** okay.... he's lying down
5 Students lying down...
4 students lying down...
I see the 'I'
We're missing the 'we'
Students should be working through it with you
Students are yawing...they seem tired
**** is not participating.
Students are slouching."

Negative.  Negative. Negative.  I'm in a slum as it is and everything appears to be negative.  Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe it's getting the best of me.  Maybe I'm not cut out.  Many thoughts run through my head.

The day finally gets to an end.  I take care of my after school things and before I leave for the day I walk down to the principal's office.  She has me step in and says, "Hey Aaron! What can I do for you?"  I look her in the eye and do something I never do....

If things aren't going my way, I make them.  If things are going wrong, I figure it out. If something is broken, I fix it.  It's always been my thing that no matter what is going wrong, I can problem solve my way through it.  I don't need help.  I can figure it out.  I'm strong.  Asking for help is a weakness, and I can't appear weak, because once you're the weakest link, well, goodbye!

So I looked my principal in the eyes and I said to her, "I'm in a slum right now.  I need you to tell me I'm doing a good job..."

Before I tell you her response, I want to bring you back to the observation form that was e-mailed to me.  What I wrote earlier was what I saw...it was the only parts my mind was letting me see.

"I see you doing some 'I'
Now I'm seeing 'we'
You are smiling and laughing.
You are saying 'Can I see it?'
You are checking and monitoring student work...yea!
Choral responses - 16
Looks like student has written 'think abouts' for two step equations - way cool
Get the answer in your head - call and response
'Say it one more time' - polishing choral response - great!
Thanks for letting me visit your class today!"

My principal's response was overwhelming praise.  She looked at me and said, "Of course you are, Aaron. You are a point in your teaching where you are doing great, and I'm just trying to give you that push to make you that much better!"

Just as much as it's the little things can bring you down, the little things can bring you up.  It's the little things that make all the difference. If you look for the negative, you're going to find it.  You're going to hit that slum, trudge through the mud and get stuck in it.  You have to look for the positive.  Make the best of the down days. Focus on the positive things in life and you're sure to pounce through the dogs days of winter with a smile on your face!

Happiness

"If you can't be happy with what you have, then you will never be happy with what you want."

I swear I've recently heard this quote somewhere, but according to Google it doesn't exist.  The closest thing I could find is, "If you're not happy here, you won't be happy there." Which means virtually the same thing, but if that's the case, I claim the one above.

Regardless, I've been reflecting on it a lot lately.

Am I happy?

I've got my health.
I make money enough to survive.
I have a house.
I have money enough to occasionally renovate the house.
I have skill enough to do a lot of the renovations on my own.
I have money enough to go out from time to time.
I can travel from time to time as well.
I am talented.
I can sing.
I can dance, if choreographed.
I am quite an artist.
I'm not skinny, but I am currently 50 lbs less than my heaviest.
I have some great friends, though I do wish we could go out more often.
I've got a job.
Not only do I have a job, I love my job.
I am making a difference in the world.
I am changing the future of the world one child at a time.
I have finally come into my own.

I want to focus on that last one for a minute. I know who I am.  I am a good person.  I do good deeds.  I hold doors for people.  I slow down to let people into traffic.  I try to be charitable when it allows.  I live the majority of my life for others, and in turn, the smiles on their faces at the end of the days, and the changes I see put forth into the world make it so I am living my life for me.  My teaching.  My Art. My theater. Making others happy makes me happy.

Another part of coming into my own has been my, shall we say spiritual growth.  I was born and raised a religious person.  It was a large part of my parents' life and remains a large part of my mother's life.  It was a large part of my childhood and adolescence.  As I grew into adulthood, initially I pushed away from it because it had always been pushed onto me growing up, but the further I pushed, the more I realized this was the path for me.  I don't feel like I need religion.  I need morals; I need to be a good person; but I do not need religion.  I am now agnostic.  For many reasons, I don't think I could ever be atheist.  I am a person that likes to know; that likes proof; and something like religion that is so based on faith, it just doesn't work for me.  Could there be a God?  Sure.  Why not?  In fact, we'd be naive to think that there are not greater powers working among us.Could there not be a God? Sure. It could be that the science that governs the world has always been what governed the world.

Whichever the case, I still choose to be a good person.  I honor my mother.  I love her to death. I'm not a murderous person. Heck, I have a hard time killing spiders in my house. I would never commit adultery.  Just as I wouldn't share my significant other, I would never expect her to share me.  I don't take property that isn't mine.  I do my best to be honest.  As for "coveting" my neighbor's wife, that goes back to the adultery. I don't like to share, why should I expect anyone else?  In fact, when finding interest in a girl, that's one of the first things I look for, and if she's currently unavailable, then I immediately stop pursuit.  With all that being said, living my life based upon my morals alone, I cover all of the non-God related commandments.  I honestly think that when I die, if there is a God, he will look at the life I've lived and be willing to look past the fact that I had a hard time believing.

I am me.  I am who I am. I am agnostic.  I am overweight and working on it. I do wear glasses.  I do get silly at times.  I do drink from time to time, but not beyond the point of control, and never do I drive.  I don't smoke.  I have never done drugs and will never even consider it.  I am a nerd.  I am a gamer.  I am a theater geek.  I do love to act. I can sing. I can dance.  I can program a computer and web sites.  I can wire a stereo system into a car.  I'm great with computers and really, electronics in general. I know my way around the engine of a car and could do most minor fix-its. I can refinish a room.  I have reroofed a house.  I can troubleshoot almost any problem and find some kind of solution to it whether proper or "ghetto".  I think I have a ton going for me.

So my original question... am I happy?

I don't think I can give a straight yes to it.  As any other human being, the need to be loved and accepted is strong within me.  I spent four years of my life in love with a woman, and somehow I let that slip away.  Do I regret those years? No.  Do I regret that it's over? At this point in my life, no.  It was definitely for the best.  However, it did leave a hole inside me.  A hole that friends cannot fill.  A hole that money cannot fill.  A hole that I can't get a tool from the shed to fix.

So how do I fix it?  I am happy with everything I have. I just want to be happy with the one thing I want as well:

"I try to keep me focused

On the goings of the week,

But distractions in my mind

Are focused on what I seek:

A companionship, a friend,

Somebody to hold,

The reciprocated sharing of

A love more pure than gold."

This one really could be quoted to me from a poem I wrote back in '04.  It's funny how life cycles.

As it sits, I must allow my happiness to brew, until I can find that one girl who gets the initial "Wowza" attraction, is not married (which seems to be the hard part here in Utah, but I love it here so I really don't want to leave) and is willing to accept the rest of my happy me for me.  Until then, I will look beyond the imperfections in my life, follow the advice commonly given me, and "Make it a great day!"

See you later, 2012!

"Out with the old, in with the new!"  That's how the old saying goes, right?  I would love to say that 2012 was a fantastic year, but it wasn't.  I would love to say that no wrong came to me, but it did.  I would love to say that I'm going to miss 2012, but I'm not.  However, I cannot say that 2012 was all bad, because mostly, it wasn't.  In fact, I don't even think I can say it was a roller coaster.  If I were to present a basic chart to some business owners, they'd approve, because it would look something like this, with the year ending on a high.

Definitely not a roller coaster.  If anything, more like a swing.  The important part, however, was that it ended on a high note.  So what happened in 2012? Probably the biggest (happy) event of the year was getting my passport stamped for the first time.  This was the picture I drew of the Kinderdijk while in Holland.

A huge thanks to the overseas friends that put us up, and gave us the tour of the country, or at least as much of it as we could fit into a week.  It's still crazy for me to think that you could fit five of the entire country into one of our measly states of Utah.

To continue down the happy trail, I worked in the Lawn and Garden of the Walmart of the summer earning me a good sum of extra cash.  I've revamped a couple of the bedrooms in the house, and I've completely redone the living room.  I've taken a few vacations, one to D.C. to finally "meet" my little nephew, and then to Vegas for my first Cirque, which might I add was a pretty incredible experience.  I also got bored one day and bought a car!  As super impulsive as that sounds, it was actually in the works, just a little sooner than planned.  However, it was much needed considering the list of what is wrong with my Jeep continues to grow.  I do, however, still have the horse, so if I ever need its muscle, it's there.

Christmas Carol was definitely the highest high the year ended on.  I grew up in the theater.  There were years that I would do more than 10 shows throughout it.  I love getting on the stage.  So what happened? Life happened.  School got heavier, especially while still working full time.  Once I graduated, I was working three jobs while subbing in both Davis and Weber counties and working my first stint with Walmart.  I got married and was living life for more than just me, and I got my first teaching job which really consumed my time. (Not all last year) Without dwelling on the negative, let's just say that in my fourth year teaching, I have it under control enough that (other circumstances supporting) I was able to get back to me.  I got back to stage playing Fred, Scrooge's nephew in a Christmas Carol.  Honestly, one of the largest parts I think I've played yet.  I had my own cute little fake family, and loved them to death.  I'm definitely going to miss them. There's always next year, although, by that time, I think my Penelope will be too old for the part and we'll have to start a new.  Oh well, grow the family, right?

Looking back at the chart, you notice that a swing reaches it's low point, right? My divorce.  Not what I wanted, but when you're dealt the cards you're dealt, you do what you can with them, hope not to lose all your chips, and play out the next hand hoping for better.  That's about all I'm going to say about it.

So, 2013!  Here we are! Got some good roommates, got a new car, and I'm slowly renovating the house.  I have a great job. I have great friends.  I have great family, both blood and beyond.

Bring it on new year, I'm ready for you!

Resolutions:
* During 2012, I had the usual weight loss goal.  Not any specific numbers, but to undo the growing trend I was on.  At one point I was down almost 40 pounds. I wasn't lucky enough to keep it, however, I'm ending the year about 25 lbs. less than last.  Back story done, my goal is to do that again.  I would like to be 240 lbs by the end of 2013.

* Not allow myself to go another year without being on the stage, which has already been worked for me as I was asked to help them out with My fair Lady.  However, if nothing else, I think Scrooge is going to be a yearly tradition for me.

* In general, have a positive year. I realize, most years are the dreaded roller coaster, but if you focus on the peaks, the troughs don't seem so low.  So here I am starting this blog.  I am going to write here.  You're obviously going to hear some negative, some "bitching" as they might say, but my goal is to focus on the positive.  If you read it, and I'm being a Debby Downer, tell me to fix it, and I'll at least try.

Here's to the New Year!  Cheers!

"You're success and happiness lies in you.  Resolve to keep happy and your joy and you will form an invincible host again difficulties." ~Helen Keller